I’ve been doing this thing where I speed up anything I’m watching or listening to — podcasts, especially, but also the occasional audiobook, interviews, youtube videos. It’s just so easy and tempting. 1.2x has become the norm. 1.5x if I’m really feeling it. I’ve been doing it for a while now, actually, but I’m only just beginning to see it as potentially problematic. It’s like I’m in such a rush to get the message, learn the information, and move on to the next thing that I can’t fathom sitting through to the words at their natural pace. I find myself doing this with content I’m supposedly consuming for pleasure.
I used to do this in real life, too. Around a decade ago, a colleague who I loved working with gave me the feedback that he felt rushed while speaking to me. Without realizing it, I would sometimes finish his sentences, or silently but vigorously nod my head, unintentionally making him feel like I had grasped the crux of his point and was eager for him to finish so I could jump in with my own thoughts. I thought I was just expressing enthusiasm, but upon reflection, I had to admit there was probably a little impatience beneath the surface too.
I was mortified — how annoying and borderline disrespectful. But I was deeply grateful too, that he took the time, and sat through the awkwardness of sharing that with me. I never want anyone to feel like I’m impatient for them to get to the point, much less people I deeply care for and respect. I’ve tried very hard to stop doing that to people — by trying to tap into my own curiosity and remember that I don’t actually know what people are about to say before they say it, even if I think I do. And also by trying to tame my loud Latin body language, because I recognize some people need a little more breathing room to think and express themselves.
But I’ve noticed that this impatience, while mostly tempered when I’m sitting across from human beings, is in full swing when the content is pre-recorded and I don’t need to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. I’m not sure this is a good thing. I worry it’s a signal that I’m rushing through life, not fully present and not fully appreciating what’s in front of me.
Like most of us, I’m aware that I have two different modes of being: fully present and sleepwalking zombie.
‘What does this have to do with relationships?’ you might ask. Everything, I think. We all have our own unique ways of being annoying, selfish, or difficult to live with, because we’re human. When we’re fully present, we’re much more likely to show up as the partners, parents, and friends we aspire to be. And when we inevitably mess up, presence grants us the wherewithal to pause, apologize, and repair — which can make all the difference.
Our default modes, on the other hand, tend to be reactive and self-centered. We respond to our external environment by force of habit. We let our emotions dictate our behavior without any intentional deliberation. When we flip from fully present to sleepwalking, our partners are often the ones who bear the brunt of it. The safety and comfort of our partnerships sometimes means that we take it for granted.
When I notice myself being less present, it’s a cue to notice my behavior more broadly — to be on alert for apologies I may owe those around me, and to take steps to come back to balance.
I’m naturally wired to move fast and enjoy quick banter and high energy interactions. My friends joke that if you think I talk fast, you should hear me in Spanish. And yet I’ve come to recognize the power of slowing down, the need for it. I wish it were a metaphorical shift, but it actually requires that I physically decelerate. That I pause more, and do less. Force myself to think and move slower than feels natural in order to notice more of what’s going on within and around me. Sometimes the solution is to take time off, but more often it’s about making space within the week, the day, for a little more reflection, a little more stillness.
Many of the behaviors we consider normal in our modern busy world, including over-working, over-committing, procrastinating, and yes — listening to podcasts at 1.5x speed just so I can move on to the next thing — are coping mechanisms. They are unconscious ways of protecting ourselves from uncomfortable feelings underneath. We think if we just fill our calendars, run from meeting to meeting, and check all the boxes, we’ll outrun our feelings. We tell ourselves we have to do those things, that our bosses or investors or families demand it. But really we’re avoiding accidentally feeling some vulnerable things we’d rather not feel — some fear perhaps, or self-doubt, some sadness or loneliness.
I had a coach who used to ask “What is that behavior protecting you from?” getting right to the heart of the issue.
Powerful words that I find myself reflecting on now. Our coping mechanisms are always trying to protect us. But emotions have a single door — shutting ourselves off from pain prevents the joy from coming in as well. And so I find myself wondering what this busy pace is trying to protect me from. What thoughts, feelings, fears, might be underneath that I’d rather not face? What parts of my identity are threatened when I’m slower, less “productive,” less “successful”? What kind of person would I be if I sat through a full podcast at a painfully inefficient 1x speed?
What about you?